From "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"
by John Gottman Ph.D. & Nan Silver
Thanks to decades of research...I can predict with great precision whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way after listening to them interact for as little as fifteen minutes! Over seven separate studies, my accuracy rate in making such predictions has averaged 91 percent. In other words, in 91 percent of the cases where I predicted that a couple’s marriage would eventually either fail or succeed, time proved me right.
The advice I used to give couples earlier in my career was pretty much what you’d hear from virtually any marital therapist at the time--nothing but the same old pointers about conflict resolution and communication skills. But after looking squarely at my own data, I had to face the harsh facts: getting couples to disagree more "nicely" might reduce their stress levels while they argued, but frequently it wasn’t enough to pump life back into their marriages. The right course for these couples became clear only after I analyzed the interactions of spouses whose marriages sailed smoothly through troubled waters. Why was it that these marriages worked so well? Were these master couples more intelligent and stable, or simply more fortunate than the rest? Could whatever they had be taught to others?
It soon became apparent that these happy marriages were never perfect unions. Some couples who said they were very satisfied with each other still had significant differences in temperament, interests, and family values. Conflict was not infrequent. They argued, just as the unhappy couples did, over money, jobs, kids, housekeeping, sex, and in-laws. The mystery was how they so adroitly navigated their way through these difficulties and kept their marriages happy and stable. It took studying hundreds of couples to uncover the secrets of these emotionally intelligent marriages. No two marriages are the same, but the more closely my research team and I looked at happy marriages, the more evident it became that they were alike in seven telltale ways. Happily married couples may not be aware that they follow these Seven Principles, but they all do. Unhappy marriages always came up short in at least one of these seven areas--and usually in many of them.
At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately--they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.
In the years since this book was first published, my colleagues and I have thoroughly explored the anatomy of marital friendship and furthered our understanding of why it is so critical to relationship success. The positive feelings that engulf happy couples...come courtesy of their mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level. I call this connection attunement. The more highly skilled at achieving it that partners become, the more resilient their friendship and the more solid and promising their future. Some couples are naturals at attunement. But others (most of us!) need to work at it somewhat. It is well worth the effort. As partners increasingly come to know and bond with each other, they build what I call their Sound Relationship House. The Seven Principles comprise the Sound Relationship House’s many floors or levels. These principles are intricately connected to trust and commitment, which form the house’s protective, weight-bearing walls...The key is learning how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority.
Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn’t prevent couples from arguing, but it does give them a secret weapon that ensures their quarrels don’t get out of hand...When a couple have a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way...The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage is likely to flourish or flounder. And again, what determines the success of their repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship. If this sounds simplistic or obvious, you’ll find in the pages ahead that it is not. Strengthening your marital friendship isn’t as basic as just being "nice." Even if you feel that your friendship is already quite solid, you may be surprised to find there is room to strengthen it all the more.